...chilly nights and warmer thighs.

sometimes.

12/7/09 02:25 pm - Oh jebus.

Thanks to everyone for all the positive feedback! I have been doing good since I last wrote and my friends have been so amazingly supportive, I feel like I'm diving into this pool of confusion with more confidence than I've ever had before. I'm learning that sometimes you just have to fall really hard in order to truly get back up.

Tonight I have another meeting it's in Blasdell, my friend is coming with and she's just been a very unexpected source of comfort. She's amazing.

Tuesday is my birthday. I'm having dinner with a small group of friends and family, followed by a solo trip to Rochester to visit my cousin who is literally my rock. She's been so informative and motivational not only about my choice to stop partying but about committing to school and an overall more enjoyable existence. We're going to see New Moon too, so a little RPATZ doesn't hurt either haha.

So far it hasn't really been difficult. I've gone months without drinking before, it's when I get to about that third month when I'm like, "Oh, I've gone this long... must not be a problem!" and start up again. Then, from there, things slowly get worse and by the end of that year I'm back where I was previously, depressed and embarassed and ashamed. They say you've gotta take it day by day, so here I am.

My dear friend and downstairs neighbor is probably the most proactive member of my life. She has gone above and beyond anything I could possibly have asked for in a pal. That girl has been waking me up every morning with breakfast, and a plan on making my apartment less depressing and more of a home. It helps because she knows how to do all of those things that I've relied on dudes for. She's a handygal and a genuine friend.

I have never felt so cared about and that aids incredibly because I'm not only trying to kick bad habits but I guess I'm just trying to find that person that I used to be. I used to be fun and happy. I want to ditch the drone. I will.

I've met someone. I don't know if it's anything yet and I'm really not looking to be quite honest because I'd like to focus on me. However, he is the first person I've ever met (dude-wise) that I was completely honest with from day one. I told him about my drinking issues and the collapse in my professional/social networks after one day of meeting him. I kind of told him as a cautionary measure/hint: "Trust me, you don't want this... back up!" Instead he suggested going out for tea. Pfff, go figure. It's still new and I'm pretty much investing all of my time and patience on school and the current issue at hand, it is nice to know not every guy out there needs to go out and party. Not every dude wants a girl who can drink as much as them... or something stupid like that.

Everything just feels really clean, for lack of a better adjective. I was talking about it with Bernie and that guy has always had my back. He understands where I am coming from and is yet again... another great friend in all of this. Everything will pan out nicely, in the end. Just gotta keep focus!

Well, I love you all! If you wanna hang out you know my digits. Don't be afraid either, people are allowed to drink in front of me and I won't be jealous or awkward. I've since been out to friend's homes where they had some beers and I went to hardware for a hot minute to say hi to a few people and tonic water or sprite have worked out pretty fairly. Either way, I don't want anyone thinking I am against them because of something I'm doing for myself. Not everyone has this problem and I know that. Even if they did, I'm not about to tell people how to live their lives.

Thanks again!

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12/2/09 05:07 pm - To new beginnings!

More recent events and personal goals have led me to believe I am in a mental place that is unhealthy. I have been on the right track, but have always withered back to the circumstances that hinder me. I have an emotional disorder which is only worsened by the consumption of alcohol. Despite the caution-provoked warnings of my doctors, I have continued to let this substance hold me back from my capabilities and who I really am. Once, (amidst a totally unrelated conversation) a client told me, "People will tell children they have potential. However, when you look at it... who doesn't? It's not what you're capable of doing, it's what you do!" I have a shit-load of potential, but it won't mean dick until I actually follow through.

Last night, whilst feebly attempting the journey up the stairs to my apartment, after saying and doing things that made no sense what-so-ever at Tanya's house- I came upon one conclusion: I don't want to do this anymore. Now, I've had like feelings prior, for the first time I meant business. I absolutely do not want to do this again, ever! In recollection, I hold so much regret in my actions... so much embarassment in things I've done out of character when drinking. Little does anyone know but, I think and sometimes sob about these unfortunate situations on a regular basis. I've felt disillusioned and almost pitty for myself over it all and thus become a recluse almost; totally detaching myself from those I've wronged! Quite frankly (and I say this in a pleading manner) THIS IS NOT ME! I AM NOT THIS PERSON! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN THIS LIFE WITH A FREE RIDE TO COLLEGE AND AWESOME FRIENDS AND AN AWESOME LIFE!!!!!!???
What an unappreciative, selfish brat I am! So the buck stops here... well tomorrow.

I've lost good friends, failed relationships, flunked out of school, quit/lost jobs and sure some of it was worth it, but I've become a monster. I have done so much shit I regret!! Soooo much! I cry now writing this because I have been so far gone this entire time that I've lost sight of what's so important to me.This is my fault, I am not proud. I honestly don't know where to go from but here.

Tanya and I always say we are gonna straighten out our lives but I don't think she is battling the same conflict as I am and I have seen that all along but I'm finally saying, "This stops now!" I am terried. I never thought I'd say this out loud and most certainly not on my livejournal account but...

I am an alcoholic.

I kept making excuses for myself, like... I don't drink everyday and I've gone months without drinking before but everytime I drink I binge. I act like I'm trying to drown out everything around me that hurts but really, I'm just drowning out myself. I'm drowning out the person I like being. I am so unhappy it's not even funny and all of the Lithium and counseling in the world cannot stop it! I keep lying to my doctor about drinking. I'm honest with my family but shit, they are all dealing with their own crap. The other day I said to my dad while crying my eyes out (this was a drunk dial), "Dad, do you think I have a problem? I think I need help!" his response, "It's just a phase I went through it too... you don't need to seek help you just need to chill out on your own terms and you're just not ready." Yes, he was trying to make me feel better, and yes no one wants to admit their kid sucks and yes maybe he went through a phase but this is NOT a phase I am realizing...

I've been drinking away my feelings since I lived in Georgia.

Sure, having your boyfriend beat the shit out of you on a regular basis will fuck you up. Sure, the constant jabs at your integrity and spirit and self-image will fuck you up. I didn't start getting crazy 'til I dated him but... I don't blame him because addiction is a stamp you're labeled with in the womb lol. It is certain that that crazy asshole fucked me up, but I know I've been through a lot and it's not his fault I have this problem. Maybe it's a blessing that because of him I realized all of this now instead of later when I could put it on my kids or something.

I never want to burden anyone with this ever again.

I was lucky enough to have a friend who came to my work at Ulta one day without knowing I worked there and ended up with me as their stylist as a walk-in. She is gorgeous and fun and I never would of guessed but while I did her hair she was catching me up on life and boys and told me about her situation with drinking. Last night when I finally made it to my couch, I was hammered! Not only that, but I texted her...

"Dude, I know it's like 3am, but I need to change and help. what do I do?"

She has been so supportive. So has my other friend. They keep telling me that I'm going to lose friends and that scares me but I am happier for making this choice... just terrified in general.

(sigh) I can't believe I wrote this and I can't believe I'm doing this! I am though!!! Fucking crazy.

My first meeting is tomorrow. Here goes nothin'!

12/22/08 09:10 pm

Last night I took a heavy hit from my old pal insomnia. Luckily, there's always IFC to keep me company and I watched Party Monster and Rules of Attraction. It excites me to no end when there is a movie on the good ol' satelite that I enjoy... let alone TWO! My life is just so damn exhilarating, I know!

So I'm a shower person. I haven't taken a bath since the night of Hannah's wedding (if you wanna call it a bath) and I think I'm ready to pull a "bev" and get all kinds of pruney. I have all of this aromatherapy junk just lying around, why not? The only thing I hate about showers and baths is the certain surge of chill that overcomes my body following. The thermostat reads seventy-five but the goosebumps along my forearm beg to differ. Why am I always FREEZING?!

With Christmas around the corner and a new year fast approaching I have come up with some fairly plausible resolutions. One, I want to be a better mom to Ralphie. Two, I want to eat and live healthier. Three, I want to be a better friend. This means several things...

There are some ties I've allowed to weaken in one way or another. I either haven't held my half of the pact or I've lost touch with people I care about simply because of work/school/life and neglect. I miss some of the key players like Karen, Jill, Bernie, Bev, Ronnie, the Toronto crew etc. Not to mention the list of pals I've straight up (unintentionally) walked all over and passed by. I guess when you're human these things are inevitable but I've always tried to hold myself up to a higher standard than the average homosapien (i think that is spelled wrong and i don't give a hoot 'cause this is livejournal). Ever since I moved out of my parent's house I've had nothing but bad luck around the holidays. Whether it be with romantic relationships, friendships, depression, exhaustion, or just the run of the mill pity-party I like to toss around from time to time. I wanna be better at everything and I'm trying and I'm going to keep trying harder and harder!!

I'd also like to saturate every aspect of my life in the passion I have not only for my job as a hairdresser, but also my future as a designer and film-maker. The latter has been unfortunately sacrificed and a trip to Toronto for some work would be most delightful! We'll see, I'll try for that with all my might as well. Once in awhile I become infected with these crazy spirts of motivation- I'll have every intention of going the distance only to fall short half way there due to lack of... something. Sometimes I blame the weather for what a chore waking up can be. Sometimes I let these feelings; insecurities, fear, and this on and off depression thing, get the best of me. I don't really have a problem announcing it via internet though because I'm confident in knowing I'm not the only one. I can find a safe harbor in knowing that sometimes it's all just apart of our conditioning.

It's not all bad, it's not even usually bad.... but who writes in one of these things about how awesome their lives are? People who don't want to admit they're miserable, that's who! No, my life is good, family is great, school is fantastic, I love my friends, they're fucking sweet, chad included!

However, I hope this whole thing pans out like puberty: sucks really bad once in awhile but in the end you wake up with a whole new set of boobs. Still looking for answers, trying to make sense of my nogin' and hoping everyone is doing great! I'm off of work from Dec. 24th-Jan. 4th- holler!

12/7/08 02:39 pm

I love music so much!

I wish they had brain-ipods so you could just listen to music while working without anyone else having to hear it... and everyone else would have them too so they could just tap their feet to a playlist of their own. That would sure make ackward silences less ackward... unless you started singing to it on your own. Hmmm.

Creepy, but could be sweet!

12/2/08 04:21 pm - side effects may occur

I've come to find I only update this stupid thing during times of personal crisis. Then, an hour or so following the update I delete it. Self-exposure has never been a suit I found very flattering. I'm just bored now I guess.

My phone is dead, my gas tank is on empty, and all I'm left to do is watch reality television with my dog and ration the remainder of my cigarettes. My family hasn't been home, and my friends have no means of contacting me... if they even chose to. So as a result, my home, the place I normally consider a refuge, has become a silent hell (mellow-dramatic, Iknow). Reminds me of a psych ward of sorts, without the company and the meds. Instead of a straight jacket, I've become tangled between the plaguing thoughts of what I've done and what the outcome will be. It really fucking blows when there's no one left to blame but yourself.

I've caught myself smoking and standing by the breeze-way door, longingly awaiting my dad's arrival. What gives, why is he taking so long? Then I remember how selfish I am, I made my bed... what makes me think anyone needs to cater to my emotional needs?

Reflection is always an unforgiving lesson to learn. You can sit and rock back and forth and cry... sob really, and despite how painful the thoughts you undoubtedly seem to figure a few things out. I don't know everything but I do know I'm scared. I know I've been this way for far too long and it's taken a serious toll on my friendships. I get such anxiety over the most insignificant things that I've managed to one way or another push everyone away. I know that I've purposely pretended not to care about certain issues because I know eventually everyone will get fed up with the whole ordeal and leave me alone and then I won't have to dread the day they exit on their own. So many of my friends, boyfriends, people in general, have wanted to be near me... wanted to spend time with me. Usually that's all fine and dandy until I feel myself getting too attached. Once you get close enough, like clockwork, I begin this process. I want to stop, I want to keep my friends near, I don't want to be scared anymore... I just don't know how I got so jaded. How do you build these defense mechanisms effortlessly overnight? More importantly, how do you get it to stop?

Sure, there are several underlying elements that make it so easy. Those things need to go. It's time to grow up and just put my foot down. That's what I plan to do. How're there people out there that enjoy being alone? It blows my mind. I feel, personally, that I'd be driven mad if I had to go without human contact any longer than the past two days. It gets to a stage of numbing, so that you can't feel anything long enough to survive. You'll make it just long enough for the rescue team to roll in and knock the hinges off the front door.

This is stupid.

9/17/08 01:10 am

Life has been busy as of late.

I have a new job.

I'm back in school.

I'm dating my favorite play mate ever! <- sounds creepy but rest assured he's older than i lolzzzz!
(we're nothing but two, ridiculous wackos that laugh at eachother all the time. if people knew what we were like alone they'd probably think we were really mentally incapable... love it!)

I miss the pals I hung out with during the begining of summer...
and the other pals I've lost touch with, who still write in their lj's and I get to read about them at least.

I need you hoz in my lifey!

xxx

5/26/08 09:23 pm

"I'm so cheap I should be jewish."-Dani Hall... made me "lol"!

hahahaha.... I'm so cheap I could be half Asian, what do ya know? Nah, I'm only cheap when it comes to drinks and that's because I hate food.

Anyhow.

My job is probably the most ridiculous display of the human condition anyone could possibly imagine. You have 3 gay men constantly bitching at eachother about who is the best hairstylist (because it's clearly only a contest between the three of them and calling eachother [ahem] "fags". Then, somehow without fail, every other client I get is some crazy sweet-talkin' jock duder who thinks that just because I do hair I'm going to meet him in the parking lot in spread eagle formation at the end of my shift. Fuckin' sick mang! "Wow, your hottness must be radiating onto me because I'm sweating!" What the shit is that? Especially coming from a chap nearly ten years my senior! I get mostly bro's, but then there is the occassional five year old that can't sit the fuck still, and I have his/her mom behind me shrieking in my ear,"(insert stupid little kid name here)! SIT STILL!! STOP MOVING!! SIT STILL DAMNIT!" and then, "Oh I think you missed a spot right... there." No shit bitch, your kid is wiggling around like he's got epilepsy and your screaming in my frickin' ear, let me do the cutting here! Jesus. This whore of a mother today brought her seventeen year old daughter in for a cut and wash and style. The daughter was awesome and actually told me about how she's in a boarder school for drug abuse (she's better now though) and her hair was super uber crazy thick and looooooOoooong (almost past her arse)! So I trimmed and shaped her hair, looked great. Shampoo, blow out, no prob! She wanted her hair flat-ironed and good old mommy dearest gave me the okay so I flat ironed it which took like 20 minutes.... but looked gorgeous, shiny, healthy.... flippin' pantene pro-v commercial type shit! Go to cash her out (we have to set our own prices for styling and the reccomended price for flat ironing long thick hair is $50) and I only charge $30 for the flat iron, $14 for the cut, and $8 for the wash... mom huffs and puffs her way into her wallet and asks me why it cost so much to style. Gee lady, your daughter's fucking repunzel (sp?) over here and you think round brushing and flat ironing that is going to be free?! Get real, it's cheap... you came to master cuts, I can't imagine if you went to regis you cheap ho! haha. I laughed in my head 'cause she had to pay anyway, you can't change prices.

(I am in no way racist but...)
And of course the Canadians, Middle Easterns, and Black peepz don't tip for shit. If they do it's like a dollar for an hour long service. Even Alisha (the only black person at the salon) will admit this, and for that reason tries to pawn every black person/foreigner on somebody else. Haha, girlfriend's not dumb.

There's all of this encouragement to flirt with the guys, and anyone that knows me knows that I don't know how to do that... not on purpose at least. I'm not going to be that girl.

There is the small percentage of people that are absolutely delightful though. They're very chill, they're talkative, they're charming, and after you do their hair they act like you just gave them a brand new Lexus. They compliment you, they TIP yo ass, and they ask for your card... not only that, THEY COME BACK to you! Even for the most simple things like a wash and style. Those people are freakin' awesome!

This job is a lot of fun so far. Even the morons and the cheapos make me smile, because it's just another funny thing to recollect when I get home. It's rarely ever boring and there's a lot of freedom in it. It's helping me with my anxiety too! I feel really accomplished when I work a great deal and Wed and Thurs will be my first days off in two weeks... so shit, I feel pretty accomplished!! I really like it and it just pumps me up for next semester and working my rear off!

Life is so so so great right now! I like it!

5/19/08 02:53 pm

So I used to like Amy Winehouse and her scandalous ways but now girlfriend just looks like a crack hoe with fucked up teeth.

You guys know how I feel about bad teeth. Bye bye Amy, welcome to the "Z-List."

My grandma is probably the most radical chick in town and we're listening to elvis and I'm cleaning haha.
:o)

2/24/08 02:17 pm

I'm twenty-one years of age and I know what I want.

I don't understand how the human condition makes relationships so difficult.
How hard is it to just be with someone, be happy together, have fun together, and be nice to eachother?
It's not hard.
Humans are just dumb.

1/3/08 07:25 pm

king of grime.

you can't let them win.
'cause when they do, you just feel stupid saying, "oh i got beat by a boy."
haha.

playground antics if you ask me.

12/18/07 02:30 pm

danny is soooo nice!

he drove all the way from williamsville to angola to pick me up and take me to the movies so we could skip school together because he said, "i don't like to see you glum." awe.

FRIENDS! :o)

12/10/07 04:30 pm

being home in angola has proven to be pretty amazing actually. i wasn't able to drive my car today though, because i wasn't aware that i STILL had another parking ticket to pay. shit damn. however, i'm going to court for that tonight and then tomorrow will be the big one! i just wanna be able to drive my own ass to school and get a better job. it'll work out!

12/6/07 01:11 pm

so i'm sitting in my room, shoveling my things into boxes. i''m moving home in the next couple of days. which, hopefully entails me, getting my life back on track. well, i'm sitting on my floor looking around, thinking about how much i hate these walls and all of the stuff that's gone down since i moved here... and i just started laughing. the laughing grew to a roar when i looked at some of the text messages i had sent people last night.

it's good to laugh at yourself sometimes. sometimes it's all i can do.

Fuck you Cory, and your pug kicking ways.

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